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My first story – episode 1
Like I said in previous post and even earlier I wrote this story to improve my English. At first I want to say that I’m not a writer. I have a little experience in writing. I wrote some stories when I was in primary school, later I practiced another forms. I did my best, but to be honest, it wasn’t easy. Unfortunately, I had to change some things that I originally wrote in my own language because I had no idea how to wrote it.
Anyway, have a good read 
PROLOGUE here
EPISODE 1
The huge noise reigned at Pomir Zemin’s hause, liks nobleman. His only daughter, Ezmir Zemin this day turned 18. On this occasion Pomir gave a big feast for which he invited all important people from the surrounding villages.
Ezmir was a very beautiful girl. Not too low, not too high. Someone would said that she was just perfect. She had big brown eyes and blond, long hair which she always tied in a braid. In love which her were everyone: both young, old, muts, crippleds, nobles and peasantry, because she was a girl with a big heart.
To Pomir’s hause arrived a lot of people to fold Ezmir best wishes and when the last guest crossed threshold of the Pomir’s house, they heard the sounds of a horses hooves.
“And who the devil carries,” said the Pomir, when he was getting up from his chair.
The door opened and unknown man entered the hall, dressed like a nobleman.
“Greetings my Lord,” said the man. He took off fur cup from his head and bowed low.
“I’m Radwan. Jackdows coat of arms,” said the man. “Me and my people were caught in huge snowstorm, I ask for a stay.”
Pomir squinted his eyes. The eyebrows wrinkled as he watched the man very attentively. Suddenly a big smile appeared on his face. He spread his arms apart, in a welcome gesture and said aloud “I can’t refuse you a stay, because that would be unworthy of a nobleman,and so our customs and habits order. Please stay with us. Today is an important day. My daughter’s 18th birthday. Let me treat your arrival as a good sign”
Radwan sat down at the table. A maid poured him wine to the glass.
“For my daughter!” shouted Pomir and pulled the glass for a toast.
“For a young Lady” answered guests.
Pomir put the glass against his mouth and in one gulp drank the content. Then he threw the glass to the ground. Other lords did the same things , because the old custom ordered to knock a goblet to the ground for a good luck.
Then the cook passed a big boar and the maids brought more food and drinks.
“What brings you here my Lord?” asked Pomir. He was staring at young man attentively as if he wanted in the depths of his soul to look.
“I return from Valika. I am carrying a message,” said Radwan. He was looking directly into Pomir’s eyes. “Our enemies relayed the fortress” Here he stopped for a little…and then added “No one had been spared”.
The silence descended in all of the hall. Fell silent the laughter and courtship. The sadness appeared at gathered faces. Even old Bohr, terrible chatterbox and the biggest gossip in the all Dranaeth was silent for a moment to honor the fallen.
Pomir turned his eyes above. And when he was making cross sign, he said “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holly Spirit, Amen”.
“Amen,” responded the guest
And again there was a silence
Suddenly someone forcefully hit the table. So strongly that the glass with wine overturned and the goblet fell down on the floor. All eyes turned to Drago, young nobleman.
Drago was a very cunning man, very brave, from his impetuous famous. There wasn’t any women in Dranaeth that will not blush under the gaze of his eyes, because in this eyes all nature of this man be concealed. Both wildness and beauty, but this man only one woman in his heart had, Ezmir Zemin, the girl beautiful like angel and our birthday girl.
“Betrayal!!!!” shouted Drago holding one hand on the side and another hand holding on the table. “Our king abandoned us. Left us for the death. This woman from Tuwarks has made a mess in his head . How I, the liks nobleman, the Uzars my brother can call!? How can I be still, when Morgs close to our hauses are and for our lives lie in wait!? “
Pomir listen carefully. He didn’t lower his eyes from Drago.
“Our duty is to serve the king,” said calmly Radwan. “I could use your words against you and put you, my Lord, before the court, because you to revolt calls”.
Drago looked at Radwan, then lowed his head and laughed quietly, little jeeringly. Then again he looked at Radwan, straightened and said to him with a sneer “It seems, my Lord, that you stayed with Uzars too long. Here in Dranaeth,we serve ourselves and only God can judge us”
“Then I will be your God” said Radwan
Drago turned pale on his face. Suddenly, the huge anger overcome him. He pulled out his sword and said: “Try”
Seeing the situation, Slava, Pomir’s wife said, “Dear Lords. Let us put aside our dispute. Let’s play. MUSIC!!!!!WINE!!!!!!” she shouted at the maids.
Drago first looked at Ezmir, then he threw a glare at Radwan and sat again.
The cheerful atmosphere got back to the hall again. The lords asked ladies to dance, the ladies asked lords. Ezmir couldn’t break her ayes away from the newcomer. Radwan noticed that. He smiled to the girl warmly and then he stood up and came to the girl. When he was near her, he was falling to her feet and asked for a dance. Ezmir blushed under the influence of his blue eyes. She gave him her hand and both went to dance.
The man proved an excellent dancer and she also was very good. They were a perfect couple. Both young, wealthy and beautiful.
Only one person sitting at the table wasn’t delighted by this sight. And the dark eyes threw a glance, once with desire to a girl and once with a hated at Radwan.
“Beautiful couple,” whisper Fmir, the old nobleman, to Pomir. “You will have a good son in law, if this marriage will took a place. It seems that they liked each other. This is a rich man. It seems that quiet important person. It will be a good marriage for the Zemins family.”
“The God will decide” said Pomir and looked at Ezmin and newcomer.
“Zemins have a big treasure in their house,” said Radwan smiling warmly to Ezmir. “If I was your father I would hold you in the closing and told to watch you. Because I would be afraid that any devil will steal you“.
“You are a big liar my Lord,“ said Ezmir and laughed merrily
“God is my witness that I’m telling you the truth,” said Radwan
“In that case you are not religious,” said Ezmir.
“God has a lot of faces,” continued Radwan.
“And you?… which one do you believe in?” Asked Ezmir and her eyes shined merrily
“I believe in myself,“ said Radwan.
Ezmir looked at Radwan attentively and said seriously, “If my father would hear you…he would order to throw you away, my Lord.”
“And you?” asked Radwan and looked at the girl very carefully.
Ezmir was very confused. She looked to the right… then to the left. Suddenly she held up her pretty head and said quietly, “I would not.” And ashamed lowered her head.
Radwan laughed heartily. He took the girl harder and both of them focused on music.
At the night, when all guests came back to their houses, Pomir couldn’t sleep. He was sitting at the room where pictures of his ancestors hung and said to them, ”I swear for my honor, that I will not give my daughter to just anyone”
End of part 1
(4.89 out of 5)
Hi, Raff! Thanks for the story! It’s very interesting so far, and I like the setting. I’m curious to find out how the prologue ties in with the main story. Also, you say that you’re not a writer, but I think that you have every right to call yourself one with this! Looking forward to episode 2! ^-^
Thank you very much for your kind words
I still learn, but I hope that another episodes will be more and more better. Unfortunately, English isn’t my ally, but I hope that sooner or later it will 
Nice story, Raff! Keep it up. I find it really entertaining! Oh I just want to inform you that I sent you an email regarding my in-active account. Please help me. I hope you’ll do something to fix this problem.
It looks like other members is experiencing it as well? Please don’t ignore me. 
Practice makes perfect, and you’re doing great so far! Keep up the awesome work, Raff! \(^o^)/
Nice story, Raff! Keep it up. I find it really entertaining! Oh I just want to inform you that I sent you an email regarding my in-active account. Please help me. I hope you’ll do something to fix this problem.
It looks like other member is experiencing it as well?
I will look at it
Oh my god! Thank you very much! I’ll really appreciate it 😀
but I warn you, that it will take me some time
Oh that’s fine. As long as you fix it, I’m willing to wait.
My friend’s account are all also in-active. I tried using those to contact you. What should we/they do if they’re experiencing this kind of problem? I just want to know so we’re prepared and I can inform them. 😀 Thank you again for replying.
just don’t do anything 😛
Don’t do anything? xD Then what about contacting or informing you? I think that’s the best action for this problem lol. Anyway, Thank you very much for replying Raff! 😀 Take care always and have a nice day. Oh is it okay to ask, how longer should I wait? A month?
Wow, that was really good! You did a wonderful job and my attention has been firmly grasped!! I’m really looking forward to the next chapter and seeing the story develop overall. So far it seems like its gonna be awesome XD
Thanks XD You motivate me to continue writing
Hihi, you’re welcome! XD I’m glad cause I really am looking forward to seeing more and like the other comments, I’m curious as to the part devil plays as well. o(^^)o
Nice plot! I do think you have the potential to make stories interesting, whether it’s this story or the Story Like Shoujo Manga; both keep me anticipating more.
Keep up the good work! I look forward to the next part
Hi Raff! Just want to say hi!
Hi, Raff. This is a very nice story. I’m curious about how the devil from the prologue appears in this story. This writing is so smooth that I can visualize your story easily. I’m looking forward to the next episode XD.
I saw the name Drago and thought of Harry Potter hahahaha… it’s interesting… Will you be having specific days in which you will upload or as you finish?
this was quite interesting , i’m an amateur writer , my favorite series of books is a song of ice and fire by george RR martin , so when i read stories i go for fictional old stories , with kings and queens , and i can swear that if i had a dolar for every time i read the word lord and your grace and lady in a song of ice of fire i would be rich , and i read romance stories a lot too , so your story really impressed me , my own i’ve wrote few stories , and one of them is Medieval-Themed and i really am impressed of it cause i really think that every writer should like his story before people do , good job and keep it up and for the series of books i talked about earlier (a song of ice and fire , it has 5 books , the first book is a game of thrones wich is the name of the show created from the show , it’s one of the best shows in the world , book 2 a clash of kings , book 3 a storm of swords , book 4 a feast for crows and book 5 is a dance with dragons , book 6 and 7 are yet to be out , book 7 is winds of winter which will be out this year book 7 has no date yet and it’s called a dream of spring , it’s an interesting story and i truly recommand it for u , it really riches the language u have and the package of writing , the show has 5 season if u want to see it too , season 6 out this year )
book 6 is winds of winter , and the show is inspired from the books (errors in the comment )
book 6 is winds of winter , and the show is inspired from the books (errors in the comment )good job again
Very nice Raff! It kinda feels like I imagine myselg in that scenario you described (in my opinion, this is the main feature of a good writer: Involve the reader).
Oh, I liked that part: “The lords asked ladies to dance, the ladies asked lords.” Girls being bold for that time, waaay to go ladies! *thumbs up* <3
Wow… that was very good reading you are an amazing person Raff, you know my sister (inlovemanga) She is the biggest fan of yours, but for some reason she is now away from us and I couldn’t do anything to bring her back to us, but the least I could do for her is keeping her account both otakumole and raffmanga active until her return but I am really sorry for my bad English I am not as good as my sister but the main reason I am following you just because you are amazing and a great person and I see why my sister really like you
I am looking forward for the following part of your story
raff my dear.make your own book.we will support you as always.
ooooohhhh!
You have very strong dialogues here, and quite a setting too! 😀
It’s very interesting what you’ve come up with, and I’m gonna be coming back to read more! ^_^
Love your story, Raff, and even with the imperfect English (which is still pretty good!) I was hooked. Hope to read more soon!
Your grammar has improved a bit though there’s still a little while to go…
Here’s a few tips on writing (I just gathered these from a lot of FAR more talented writers than myself… but I use them, so I thought: “meh, why not?”).
NOT my advice (though I do use them) all credit goes to someone else (don’t remember their name 😛 )
1. Try not to be repetitive, repetitive, repetitive… – For example: “His eyes widened as he stared into her eyes, her eyes shining with tears that slid from her eyes, making his own eyes water.” might sound a lot better like this “His eyes widened as he met her gaze, and as tears rolled down her cheeks, they rolled down his as well.” Or like this: “He looked into her eyes, she into his, and they both wept.” Repetition like what I used in the above example can be incredibly jarring, so watch out for it, and try to be as diverse in your words as you can.
2. I do not think it means what you think it means – You may want to make sure that bit of fancy vocabulary actually means what you think it means. This is something I struggle with all the time, and why the Thesaurus and Dictionary are my BFFs. For example, I used to think nonplussed meant the same as indifferent or unconcerned. I was wrong, so very wrong. It actually means something along the lines of bewildered and baffled.
3. Spellchecker is an acquaintance, not a friend – See, here’s the thing about Spell Check: it only catches misspelled words. So if a word isn’t misspelled but isn’t the word you actually want – for example, you wanted there, not their. Or you meant to spell fat, not fed – Spellchecker isn’t going to catch that for you.
4. And it’s for the reasons stated in number three why not editing is a bad idea – if you have time to write, you have time to read through your story at least once (twice would be better, three times awesome) and clean things up as best you can. Mistakes will still manage to slip through, but the more mistakes you can catch and fix the fewer comments begging you to get a beta because your story is next to impossible to read due to all the mistakes you’ll have to put up with.
(There’s more but I’m too lazy to look through my files on my computer 😛 )
Hope they help!
– Wulff
Nice tips! I’ll take note of them~ *w*
hello raff
beautiful story, very interesting
I already following raffmanga at least 4 years, when suddenly the site down and back again, without knowing anything she already written something amazing…
Curious to know how the prologue connects to this one. It’s an interesting story, I’ll keep reading. ^^ As for the grammar there are brilliant parts, but also some glaring mistakes here and there. All-in-all though, it doesn’t ruin the excitement the story gives. Take you for the hard work~